Lately, there has been a disturbing trend in the music of the former heavy metal group Metallica. Their songs seem to have lost a certain element that made them the popular group they once were. Many have suggested possible changes to make them a decent band again, and here is another... What if they sounded the same, but had different lyrics? The words to their recent songs could be changed... To make them more intense... Make them more forceful... Make them Helluva Tough... So without further ado, I submit for your approval,

"Pity the Fool"
(Sung to the tune of Metallica's version of Bob Seger's "Turn the Page" with new lyrics by Beren Brocato... Confused yet? Heh...)

In a dark and lonesome junkyard in the L.A. Underground
You hear the acetyline torch as it makes it's buzzing sound
You think about the sucka... The fool you threw the night before....
But Murdock will soon be wanderin', 'cause he's a crazy fooh,
When you're stompin' Rocky Balboa, there's nothin' much to do
'Cause you can either "Be Somebody... Or Be Somebody's Fool"

(chorus)
Here I am... On the jazz again
There I am... Kids, stay in school
Here I go... Drivin' the van again
There I go... Pity the fool.

As we walk into this youth center, all strung out from the road
You can feel the eyes upon you, and your many chains of gold,
But if they start to bother you, their asses you will throw...
Sometimes you can't hear 'em talk, other times you know,
The same old cliches, "Who's that mohawked psycho?"
But even when you are outnumbered, you toss 'em out the window

(Chorus)

Later in the evening, as you lie awake in bed
With 50 pounds of gold chains weighin' down your head
You drink the day's last glass of milk, rememberin' what Hannibal said... (What he said)
Suckas, punks, and drug dealers, thrown a million miles away
And you always take the van, cause you ain't gettin' on no plane,
As the sweat pours out your body, like the milk you drink all day...

(Chorus a few times)

The End